Patience

My plan was to write about Užgavėnės, the Lithuanian celebration just before Lent. It used to take place over the course of a week, but now it's limited to one day/weekend. I went through two weeks of prep courses in which I made a mask and learned traditional Lithuanian dances. I was so excited to participate in the festival on Sunday, but I had to back out that morning. I felt like I was about to pass out, and I knew that adding crowds, noises, and movement into the mix wouldn't help. Read on for why. 

I'm going to be honest. This past week has been tough. In terms of the headaches, I was told that I have tight muscles in my neck and shoulders that are squeezing a nerve. I was given meds last week to try. I felt awful Friday through Tuesday before my body adjusted to the drowsiness side effect. I couldn't stay awake for much more than 2-3 hours at a time and I felt lightheaded and anxious. That doesn't even come close to describing how terrible I felt. For the first few days, my head was too fuzzy and groggy to focus on the pain. Plus with all the sleeping, the headaches stayed away for longer. But then the pain began to break through and was pretty intense. So not only was I having headaches, but then I was feeling awful on top of it. 

I went back to the neurologist on Tuesday, and she requested that I get a brain scan. The machine was broken at the private place where I was supposed to go and they weren't expecting the replacement part until June. Not very helpful. So the neurologist suggested that I come to the hospital today since she was working there. And that's where my adventure begins. 

Five. Hours. It was a long, exhausting day. We had the worst luck with timing. After registering, we missed the place where we were supposed to pay by four minutes. So we waited 30 more. And then when we were finally all set, the computers went down. We waited about another two hours until I could finally get the scan. More waiting, results, consultation with the neurologist, getting an invoice, and then done. Whew. Mind you, this was all in Lithuanian. 

On the positive side, there's nothing wrong with my brain! On the negative side, the headaches are at their worst. I'm still diagnosed with a pinched nerve in my neck. Like any pinched nerve, it occasionally sends shooting pains into my forehead, especially on the left side. But there's also a dull to severe ache concentrated in my forehead and occasionally radiating throughout my face. I was given new meds to try. Prayers that they help!

In terms of emotions, I am beyond done with this whole headache thing. With all the waiting today, I realized that I'm quite impatient. But it's been five weeks. That's enough to make anyone frustrated. I'm trying to balance school and friends and life in general, all while struggling with these headaches. I had a goal that they would be gone by today so I could enjoy my time in Russia. Well, that didn't quite happen. I have no control over that, but I'm still bummed that I have to continue this struggle while trying to enjoy spring break. 

In terms of academics, this week was insane. I'm so thankful we don't have a midterms week per se at Messiah. In a normal state of mind, I would be insanely stressed at the amount of work I had to do. But since I could barely function by Monday, I had no idea how I was going to survive. By God's grace alone did I make it through. And I didn't merely skate along, either. To illustrate, I had my Intro to the Bible midterm Monday at 8:30 am. I didn't start studying until Monday at 7 am. But I got a 102/100. Did I deserve that? Never in a million years! But God is good and faithful and answers prayers. All week I offered up what little I had to give, and He multiplied it! This morning I handed in a 10-page lit review, and I felt on top of the world. I conquered the most stressful week of my life. Not on my own, but it's D.O.N.E. 

Now as I relax and reflect, I realize that my body may have taken a hit from this week. I was not as in tune with what my heart needed, and I'm still struggling with some convictions of releasing control. Plus spring break usually comes with feelings of joy at being able to go home and see my family. Nothing like hugs from Mom and Dad! I'm definitely missing my mom's love and encouragement and my dad's protection today. I do have friends who will hold me as I cry, but it's not the same. 

I've received numerous comments from people about how they're impressed that I'm still pushing through. That means the world to me because of how much I struggle on a daily--or even hourly--basis! Today I felt like giving up. I broke down and cried for a good bit. I think it has a bit to do with making it through the week, but also with the exhaustion from today's excursion. 

I do however continue to count my blessings and remember God's promises of faithfulness in troubling times. I'm incredibly excited for Russia tomorrow. But I'm also nervous. I'm nervous for how my body will react to the new meds. I don't want a repeat of last weekend. I'm also nervous about how I will react to Russia and how that will influence the headaches. Crowds, noises, exhaustion, and general sensory overload are not good, especially in combination. But I know my limits, and I can call it quits and take a nap if necessary. Most of all, I'm nervous for how others will treat me. I don't want to be constantly bombarded with questions about my well-being. I want to be treated like everyone else, but also be understood when I need a break. Hopefully it'll be an experience of a lifetime!