Grace

Grace. 

It's my middle name. 

It's something I frequently lack as I walk down the street. 

It's the elegant quality that I crave as a dancer. 

It's that sweet sweet melody woven throughout Christian theology. 

Grace. /greys/ (n). The freely given, unmerited favor and love of God.

That's the textbook-definition of grace. But I think there's a bit more. 

Over the last 5+ weeks, I've been on a quest to figure out what exactly grace is. I've grown up hearing that mercy is God not giving us what we deserve, and grace is God giving us what we don't deserve. Easy. 

Until now. 

Someone first mentioned grace in a conversation a while back about my headaches. And then someone else. And then yet another friend. I pushed it aside. How is grace even remotely relevant to this situation? And then my daily devotions started talking about grace. I finally succumbed and began to dig deeper. 

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." This is another one of those verses I've had memorized for years, but only recently understood. Paul had a thorn in his flesh that he desperately asked God to relieve him of. Finally God replied that no, He wouldn't. This thorn, whatever it may have been, was a platform for God to show His power.

This can be a hard idea to accept. Why would God allow suffering for His chosen people? We have only a tiny, ant's-eye view of God's divine plan for humanity and for each of us individually. Being the type-A, control-loving personality that I am, I struggle when God likes to implement His plans at the cost of mine. 

I have come to believe that there is a reason I have not yet found relief from these headaches. Some days this is much harder, like when the pain is especially excruciating. I've moved beyond the "why me?" phase and have come to accept that God is using this as a platform to teach me. I mean, look at what I've shared with you all, not to mention the pages on pages of untold journal entries. I recently glanced at the list of goals I had for the semester, and I see that I am achieving the majority of them, but not at all in the way I imagined! I guess that's the beauty of how God works!

Let me put something out there. In no way do I believe that God gave me these headaches. I do, however, believe that everything has been filtered through His hands of love and God has full control over it all. I often think of Job and how God allowed Satan to trouble Job. He showed Satan that Job was faithful through anything and everything and showed Job that he had a minuscule amount of knowledge about divine happenings. Keep this in mind as you read the following words. 

I was told that God will allow people to suffer in the way that will best bring Him glory. Not everyone will handle daily headaches the same way I do. I don't complain. I try not to draw attention to myself. I simply do what I have to do, and then some! It's when people comment on how impressive it is that I've carried on for so long that I step back and realize that all that I've been able to accomplish is indeed quite remarkable. None of this has been on my own. I cry out to God daily, sometimes begging for the strength to make it through the day. By God's grace alone have I made it this far. 

I made a huge step this week in my quest to relinquish control and allow God's grace to seep into my life. I turned down my opportunity to pursue department honors next year. And for the first time, I don't feel like a disappointment; my parents are prouder of this decision and the courage it takes to set my eyes on God rather than academics. I've spent my entire life pursuing recognition for my academic endeavors. It has been the entirety of my identity. I have always been at the top of my class and have striven for the highest level. To have it within grasp yet again and say no is absolutely insane. And I'm saying no for reasons that are not even definite. I don't know if I'll be able to get research experience this summer. I don't know if I'll get a position in the Agape Center next year. If it all falls through, I don't know where I'll be left. It's a scary thought. But the deed is done. I've given my future up to God and He has full control. He always has, but I am now painfully aware. I cannot yet say that it feels good, but it's definitely a step along the path of a lifetime journey of trusting God's providence in my life. 

Someone once said to me that life is a journey of "making mistakes and crossing the line too much but allowing God's grace to fill you and draw you back." I didn't understand it at the time, but as we continued through our relationship, I began to live out that truth. I'm not perfect. I make mistakes. But if I allow God to infiltrate those deep, scary, vulnerable parts of my heart, He will work and bring healing. 

I don't know how healing looks right now in my life. I think that this idea of grace is not something I can logically understand...yet. I think it will be something I live out and discover in retrospect. We can never connect the dots looking forward. Only backwards. I'm excited to see where these months of headaches and lessons leave me in the near or distant future!