Oceans

Let's be real. The title of my blog was 100% inspired by the recent hit by Hillsong. I first heard "Oceans" in September, before it became popular.  The bridge has been the cry of my heart ever since:

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

I've had a feeling for a while that studying abroad would be relevant to God's work in fulfilling these words in my life. But I never imagined just how deep God would take me. Primarily, I'm referring to the headaches. I would not naturally crave such a nuisance. But my faith would not have flourished either!

Let's begin by talking about physical oceans.

This semester, I am an ocean away from anything and everything that might ordinarily provide comfort. Talk about taking a risk! But this has been the greatest experience of my life thus far. The growth. The friendships. The lessons. All I needed was to cross the Atlantic.

Water has always had a special significance in my life. I'm pretty sure I'd be a fish in another life... Times spent in quiet reflection along any body of water have always been the most meaningful. Maybe that's why I'm frequently drawn to the Baltic Sea when I need to release emotion. It's incredibly humbling to stand at the water's edge and simply look. As vast an expanse as it is, this sight pales in comparison to God--his glory, his power, his majesty, his love. 

I love these words:

Could we with ink the ocean fill, and were the skies of parchment made,
Were every stalk on earth a quill, and every man a scribe by trade,
To write the love of God above, would drain the ocean dry.
Nor could the scroll contain the whole, though stretched from sky to sky.

I can't help but marvel.

Oceans (or rather, a certain lake) have played a significant role in my faith journey this semester. As I completed Fasting February, I would spend time each day visualizing myself in a peaceful place--usually on a dock at the lake at a camp where I've spent a good deal of time. I refer to this place as my second home. For the most part, all was well.

Until one day I was no longer on the dock. I found myself treading water, desperately trying to remain afloat. Jesus was on the dock, offering me his hand. But I just couldn't take it. Would I lose anything? No. For some reason, I valued having control over my destiny.

Later that day I found myself on the dock with Jesus standing on the water, inviting me to join him. The bridge from Britt Nicole's "Walk on Water" was playing through my head. Step out, even if... You don't have to be afraid. I managed to convince myself that the worst that could happen is me sinking. And even at that, I know how to swim so I would be fine. But then again, that's still all about what I can do. No.

A few weeks later I found myself treading water again. Jesus was still offering me his hand. I was closer now than ever before to taking hold and allowing him to help me. I even had a vision of what life would be like if I let him walk alongside me without holding anything back. But I still couldn't quite do it.

Which leads me back to "Oceans." If you're unfamiliar, here's the chorus:

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Remarkable similarity to the scenes I just described, yeah? Last week I explained that I turned down my opportunity to do a department honors project next year. I think that's the point at which I finally grasped Jesus' hand and allowed grace to infiltrate my heart. 

I'm not perfect. I know that I'll still struggle with my desire to have control. But with baby steps, God can and will do the rest.

The last line of the chorus is now applicable.

You are mine.