Hope
Journey back a few years ago with me.
In the winter of 2016-2017, I went through the process of applying for graduate programs in neuroscience. After several rejection notices, I was flown out for the interview day for the last remaining program. I fell in love with the campus and people and felt incredibly hopeful about my potential to be a student there.
A few weeks later, I got an email: “Dear Emma, We regret to inform you….” I was crushed. I sent a text to my mentor, stating simply, “I didn’t get into Northwestern.” Five words. Her response: “I barely know what to write.”
I was in a downward spiral. Why would God let me hope? Why would He allow me to fall in love with a place and a program? Why would He rip my dream of studying neurotheology right out of my hands? I was without words.
Back to the present. In hindsight, I realize why I didn’t get into grad school then. It was my way of escaping an incredibly toxic work environment; even when completing the application process, I had a gut feeling that I wasn’t ready to return to being a doctoral student in the sciences. But that doesn’t make the situation any less painful.
I’m still scarred. I’m terrified of hoping for anything I want, because what if God doesn’t provide? Is it my hope or His? I like to think that I’m delighting myself in the Lord, and that He will give me the desires of my heart (Ps. 37:4). But that imposter syndrome tries to convince me otherwise.
That my desires are rooted in selfishness.
That I’m not spending enough time connecting with God.
That I don’t know how to read my Bible or pray.
That I’m a lousy Christian.
That I am in no position to write this post.
I know the pain and grief of having hope ripped from my hands, and I really don’t want to go through it again. Just like I’m cautious to put my trust in others, I’m also wary of anything that seems to be working in my favor.
However, I’m thankful to know a Savior who isn’t content to let me live in fear. Over the last month and a half, God has slowly been showing me what it means to have hope again. He is looking out for me, and it’s truly beautiful.
A few weeks ago, I whipped up this post on optimism. This morning, after receiving a promising email, God prompted me to expand. Let’s take a look at how He’s been overwhelming me with His mercy and grace.
I’ve been looking for opportunities to get involved in higher education administration on Messiah’s campus outside of my GA position. I’ve been blessed with the offer to sit on the graduate council next academic year and the chance to volunteer with the College Honors Program, helping design and implement new programming.
In the late spring, I began dreaming about giving up my part-time job babysitting and instead getting my lettering business to a sustainable place of providing income. I realized that in one lettering workshop, I can make at least as much money as I do in an entire month of babysitting. One workshop a month–2 hours of my time–I think it’s a no-brainer.
May 24: I received an email from a company asking me to do freelance mug designs for them. They respect my priority of school and will allow me to do however many designs per week as I deem feasible. Sweet deal!
May 28: I received an email from a different company offering me free products in exchange for Instagram content. Considering my growing love of chalk lettering, I will never turn down free supplies!
I’ve also been reflecting on how beautiful it is that God has graciously redeemed broken relationships so that I can genuinely enjoy time with people I love. He had to teach me to rely on Him alone, but what a beautiful gift to fellowship with these same friends now.
And some more promising things that I cannot yet share…
I have to constantly remind myself of these things so that I can declare God’s goodness and faithfulness. He does not disappoint. His goodness never ceases. While I never want to go through the pain of the grad school process a few years ago, I know with confidence that I would not be enjoying life as much as I am right now if He hadn’t walked with me through that storm of disappointment. Sure, I would have done well in a doctoral program, but I don’t think I would be approaching the future with such passion and excitement.
So now I’m learning how to allow my soul to hope as exciting things continue to flood my path. It’s scary. I wrote this post through tears because I am terrified of the disappointment that comes when my hope is not fulfilled. But hope is beautiful and good and God-honoring. Join me in finding one thing this week to thank God for, and allow hope to seep into the depths of your heart. I’m choosing to trust that it will be worth it and that God will take care of my soul.
Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again— my Savior and my God!
(Psalm 43:5, NLT)
