Defining GRACE: A Journey Towards Neurotheology
Grace. It’s my middle name. It’s something I frequently lack as I walk down the street. It’s the elegant quality that I crave as a dancer. It’s that sweet melody woven throughout Christian theology. The Oxford English Dictionary (n.d.) defines grace as “the free and unmerited favor of God.” I have grown up hearing that mercy is God not giving us what we deserve, and grace is God giving us what we don’t deserve. Coming to college, I quickly learned that grace is much more involved than that. Grace is not just God saving humanity from a life of sin, but also a way of living as Christians (Jacobsen & Sawatsky, 2007). I am certainly not a perfect, gracious Christian, but I can maintain hope for the future because God’s grace is sufficient for me.
Growing up, I felt pressure to excel. When I taught myself multiplication at age three, my parents knew I had potential to go far in academia. Thus, I was never allowed to slack off. My Type A, perfectionist personality took over in high school, and I began to internalize this need for excellence. I placed my identity in academics. If I did well, I was worthy of love; if my performance was subpar, then I felt worthless and vulnerable. When I graduated third in my class, I was devastated. I could go to almost any university, yet I still felt like a failure.
School became my comfort. It was a place to escape the stress of family life and a place where I felt loved and accomplished because of my accolades. I became so engrossed in school that my teachers began talking amongst themselves and tried to convince me that I was beyond competent in the material I needed to know. However, I was receiving low D’s in English because my teacher did not believe in failing students who submitted assignments. Somehow I survived that class and vowed to avoid writing as much as possible in the future.
Coming into college, this plan was unsuccessful, as I ended up taking my First Year Seminar with an English professor who is the self-proclaimed hardest grader on campus. Yet somehow, I was achieving the best grades I had ever received for my writing. I even managed to get an essay published, in spite of the tears that went into the painful writing process. And then in my science classes, I began to struggle. My world was inverting, and suddenly I could no longer find my value in academics.
I began the painstaking journey of discovering my identity as the beautiful woman God created me to be. As I read Gracious Christianity, I considered the greater purpose of my life as a Christian. Jacobsen and Sawatsky (2007) write that the “knowledge of God that Christ provides … invades our lives and changes us forever, moving us in the direction of becoming the kinds of people we were created to be” (p. 59). I began to meet regularly with a mentor. This relationship forced me to consider life, vocation, and God’s grace. I was still immature in my thought patterns, and my mentor had to work with me to develop my faith and integrate it with my stressful academic life. One day she said to me, “Life is an ongoing journey of making mistakes and crossing the line too much but allowing God’s grace to fill you and draw you back” (T. Rogers, personal communication, June 5, 2013). I realized the mistakes I have made should not define me. I began to settle into what God can do in me and through me rather than what I can do.
I stepped out of my comfort zone when I studied abroad in Spring 2014. I left behind family, friends, and a familiar environment when I boarded a plane bound for Lithuania. However, I still had my academics to cling to, and even rejoiced when students came to me for extra help in our Neuropsychology class. Then God intervened to show me that I still placed my worth in what I could do. I began to experience severe tension headaches every day for three months. Initially, I questioned God’s purpose in this suffering; it was taking away from my experience abroad. Little did I realize that God was radically reshaping my conceptualization of self. I sensed God saying, “You are my [daughter], whom I love; with you I am well pleased” (Mark 1:11, New International Version). Eventually I understood this as God telling me that He is pleased with what I have done thus far in life, and He is pleased with who I am; I need not strive to prove myself because my worth is found in my identity as His beautiful creation.
Later, I studied Paul’s suffering and ministry. I meditated on God’s words to Paul: “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness” (2 Cor. 12:19). All of a sudden, without academics to cling to for comfort, I was forced to rely on God’s strength to carry me through. My thinking was revolutionized as I read Graceful. Freeman (2012) presents eight superficial identities and then shares how to crush these false ideals and instead find worth in God. It is hard to break the habit of turning to academics, rules, and image, but I am slowly learning to allow God’s grace to infiltrate these areas of weakness to bring Him glory.
As the headaches subsided, I struggled to synthesize the purpose of those months of subpar functioning. Warren (2002) writes that others will “find healing in your wounds. Your greatest life messages and your most effective ministry will come out of your deepest hurts” (p. 275). It took time to fully accept that my suffering has a greater purpose, but I value Keller’s (2008) insight that many “people have to admit most of what they really needed for success in life came to them through their most difficult and painful experiences” (p. 24). Through these headaches, I realized that my success is not defined by how many honors I graduate with or by a prefect 4.0 GPA.
Thus, I decided to challenge myself by completing research only for my senior honors project requirement. Interestingly, I was forced to deepen my research experience by participating in a pilot program for a new Experiential Learning Initiative. I gained the confidence to assert myself as a leader in the lab in times when our mentor could not be present. I realized that I thrive in a research setting and possess the necessary skills to manage a team of peers. This year of undergraduate research has affirmed my decision to pursue a career of neurotheological research. I want to study how belief systems interact with the physical brain. It would be fascinating to observe how life circumstances and suffering alter neuroanatomical structure and the physical rewiring that dictates how we respond.
Ultimately as I look back on my 21 years of life, I see a beautiful journey towards understanding grace and how it plays out in my academic career, my spiritual journey, and my health. I may not understand everything in the moment, but in retrospect, I recognize that every situation has been “an irreplaceable season of personal and spiritual growth” (Keller, 2008, pp. 24-25). I know that I will continue to face trials and make mistakes, but I have hope for the future because God’s grace has proven sufficient to orchestrate my life thus far.
References
Freeman, E. P. (2012). Graceful: Letting go of your try-hard life. Revell.
Grace. (n.d.). In Oxford English Dictionary Online. https://www.oxforddictionaries.com/us/definition/american_english/grace
Jacobsen, D., & Sawatsky, R. J. (2006). Gracious Christianity: Living the love we profess. Baker Academic.
Keller, T. (2008). The reason for God: Belief in an age of skepticism. Riverbed Books.
Warren, R. (2002). The purpose driven life: What on earth am I here for? Zondervan.
